April 28, 2024 by Judith Allen Shone
HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED
…if your loved one had concerns about an activity, going somewhere, meeting someone? If we ask them questions when such situations arise, misunderstandings can be avoided, fears can be addressed, and plans made, or discontinued, before the activity, depending on the discoveries.
It is time well spent to ask questions before going ‘out.’ It is OK to listen, to accept and respect wishes of loved ones, even if loved ones might not truly understand what they are saying, even if caregivers don’t always agree. Being flexible is important as situations shift.
Among the many responsibilities taken on by caregivers is the concern for the safety and comfort of a loved one in various situations. That includes what caregivers perceive as safe and comfortable as well as what loved ones might feel as safe and comfortable. There might be overlap so the learning curve would not always so steep.
While it is not always possible to know what a loved one is thinking, we generally start out knowing their general demeanor, and their likes and dislikes.
But, as time progresses, and memories diminish, the brain sees life differently, and likes and dislikes may change. Caregivers need to remember to check in with a loved one occasionally. We cannot assume they will want to participate in activities or go somewhere. Sometimes it is OK to stay right where they are. Answers to questions can make that seem apparent.
There are fine lines between ‘must do’ and ‘want to do’ and ‘can do,’ making prioritizing responses easier. We won’t always be able to follow their wishes, but we can find ways to help them make better choices that won’t upset them if we understand their thinking. Caregivers cannot assume they always know best, so they need to continually assess situations and the current mindset of the loved one to arrive at a solution.
KNOWING AHEAD MAKES CARING EASIER
Comedian Karen Morgan, put together a brief and serious list in a Facebook reel, of questions related to taking a loved one ‘out.’ It could be ‘out’ anywhere, to a group class, to a community meal, for a walk, for a ride, to a restaurant, to church, or a specific store, or perhaps to a social event or to a friend’s home.
Ultimately, with safety and comfort in mind, the question is:
will our loved one be happiest at home, or will they enjoy and be safe during their outing?
Morgan’s list made me realize how important it is to be aware of the most current thinking of the loved one to avoid hassles and confusion. Morgan’s questions made me recognize there are many situations where we need to check in and ask questions again because the most recent thoughts we knew about might have changed.
To stay up to date with the shifting status and thoughts, caregivers might want to ask the loved one if they have questions related to the upcoming event. Alternatively, caregivers can ask how loved ones feel about questions that could help clarify issues of a situation.
Caregivers will likely want to add to this list of considerations.
- MOST IMPORTANT:
- What are the specific concerns of the loved one?
- IMPORTANT FOR CAREGIVER TO KNOW:
- Do they want to go? Reasons for yes. Reasons for no.
- How far do they have to walk? Are stairs involved? How many?
- Is there accommodation for a walker or walking assistance?
- Does the venue accommodate disabilities?
- Do they offer food choices the loved one can eat?
- Is there a long wait to be seated? To be served?
- Will there be a bench to sit on to wait? Will there be a booth to sit in or chairs with cushions?
- Will the venue be crowded? Loud? Will they be able to hear?
- Will there be too many distractions that make for insecurity?
- Will there be live music? Will there be loud music? Will they be able to talk or hear?
- Is the lighting bright? Dark? Will they be able to read the menu?
- Is there special attire? Does lady have to wear dressy shoes? Do men wear a suit?
- Will there be a place to put a coat, or will it be best to not hang it up?
- Is there accessible restroom? Could there be a lineup or long wait? Can someone accompany the loved one?
- Will they have to be concerned with payment? Or counting money?
- Is there refuge to escape if temperature too hot or too cold?
- Will they be able to leave whenever they want to? Will they be able to come and go? Is it during their normal nap time?
- What time will it be over? When is bedtime?
- Does loved one carry emergency, contact and medical information?
- Will someone they know be with them throughout? Will they travel alone or with someone? Will they know the person driving if it is not the caregiver?
- Will they be able to get in and out of the transport vehicle? with or without help?
- Will they know where they are going? Will they understand the activity?
- Will they need to follow directions? Can they manage that?
- Will there be someone there they might not want to see? Will there be someone there they really would like to see?
- Will there be pets at the event? Is that a good thing?
- Do they need to take food? A gift? Something special? Can they manage if they must take something besides a purse?
- Will they need special assistance at any point in their activity?
- Will they need help preparing prior to the activity?
At any point, there might be obstacles that would put up a red flag in the mind of the loved one that the caregiver is unaware of. Red flags in the mind on loved ones might mean fears. Our awareness helps them through the situation or suggests ways to avoid it altogether. Reponses to questions can reveal some new objections or a change from what used to be, presenting new perspectives.
By asking questions, we can remain more in tune with the most current thinking of the loved one.
Ask again to be sure (c) April 2024 Judith Allen Shone All Rights Reserved
Read the story of a caregiver’s journey with a loved one with memory loss,
written to support other caregivers.
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Accepting the Gift of Caregiving 