October 21, 2023 by Judith Allen Shone 🍦 🌕
Grief, the last phase of caregiving
Almost two years ago my ten-year journey caring for My Love ended. At last, I could take time to process my grief from losing the one I adored.
I took that time as rehabilitation for myself.
I found the kinds of grief I had learned about previously, anticipatory grief and ambiguous loss and grief of dementia, were actually related to the earlier part of caregiving. Now I was going through a caregiving phase I came to call a gift of grief, except this grief was caring for me after my loved one was gone. I had never before thought about it like that – who had time? (See Grief talked about in three other posts, Healing, Going Forward from Grief, by Guest Author, Jean Lee, and then Ambiguous Loss and Anticipatory Grief, and Beyond Caregiving)
I had no expectation of grief. As I was unraveling all that had happened, going through the gamut of emotions from my loss, my mind was flooded with thoughts that came to the surface. Grief transformed into a gift of time to process emotional aspects as they related to the caregiving period, and even farther back. Grief evolved into a gift that gave permission to unearth the when, how and why things happened as they had.
The period of grief would eventually give emotional relief to overloaded systems throughout my body. I discovered that while going through the caregiving years, there had been no time for resolving issues. It felt good to unveil situations I had not fully understood, to grasp meanings of good and not-so-good behaviors (his and mine), to accept that much of what was leftover I could not change or resolve. And so finally, I let go of the clutter those thoughts created.
Remember when you are grieving, maybe
Mother Teresa’s words can help put things into perspective.
“It is not how much you do, but how much love you put in the doing.”
How wonderful it felt once I made it through those eye-opening, mind-boggling, emotional purges during my grief period…an amount of time my body decided it needed, not some arbitrary period set by me or society. Of course, grief still lives with me, but when it shows up, I acknowledge it, rather than being overwhelmed by it.
One important aspect of grieving is that even though we may not feel like being with others all the time, it is good to be sure we don’t isolate and become out of the loop of life. If you are the one grieving, find someone to talk to, if only briefly. Join a group, find a counselor. Talk on the phone. Visit a friend.
And likewise, if you know a friend who is grieving, do not neglect them. Check on them, take them a meal, ask if they want to go for a walk, send them an email, or text or call them once in a while. They need the connection of humans while they are going through this hard, sad, time in their life after losing a loved one.
I recognize that everyone goes through grief on their own terms, in their time, with their thoughts. I did learn it is something I needed to do, and suspect everyone else would feel better taking the necessary time to go through it as well. But only they can know what they feel about that.
Expanding grief, through the hearts and minds of others
We know grief is personal and each one sees and experiences grief from their own perspective. I am a novice in the area, and learn right along with most others. While on my grief journey following My Love’s death, I discovered various guidance for expressing grief and wanted to share. Rather than put entire articles here, I have a brief summary of what I found with a link beside article title if you wish to read more. In time, you may find someone else’s journey will bring relief to your own.
“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the things which you think you cannot do.” -Eleanor Roosevelt
Please, share these with those you know who may find comfort from knowing others go through grief in various ways, that there is no right or wrong way to process the grief we feel when a loved one passes.
As always, I hope the words shared here will resonate with someone and be helpful in removing their pain and stress of feeling they are alone.
Quotes and poetry are often ways someone going through a tough time can express themself. Try writing your own. You may find a hidden talent.
Ambiguous Loss and Grief in Dementia – Alzheimer Society__alzheimer.ca
Normalize and begin to accept your feelings of ambiguous loss and grief by talking to other caregivers who feel the same emotions and go through a similar experience, as well as Alzheimer Society staff who support people with dementia and their caregivers. Stay connected to family and friends. All the various griefs may overlap and you may be dealing with them all at once.
November 9
“In one of the stars, I shall be living. In one of them, I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing when you look at the sky at night.” -Antoine de Saint Exurpéry
Where are you?
I said goodbye to your body. It was you but not you. It was the part of you I could hold and smell, see and hear. Your body was precious to me because it animated you.
But you don’t inhabit your body anymore, I could tell that immediately. So where did you go? And if you don’t look like you anymore, how will I find you?
When those we love die, we often look to the heavens, imagining they somehow live “up there” now.
The night skies can be a source of comfort and wonder. Our universe is mysterious and beautiful; it is so much larger and more complex than we can comprehend. The stars offer us solace and, if we let them, a kind of answer to our unanswerable questions.
I wish I could see where you’ve gone. For the time being, imagining is the next best thing.
From “Grief One Day at a Time 365 Meditations to help you heal after loss” Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD
My Alzheimer Story Written by Lauren Dykovitz__neuroreserve.com
A portion of the article: Life After Caregiving
“Another important thing to consider is your life after caregiving. As difficult as it is to face, your loved one is not going to live forever. There will come a day when your role as a caregiver will end. What kind of life do you want to have when this journey is over? You deserve to make the most out of the time you have left once your loved one is gone. You deserve to have fun, go on vacations, and visit places you’ve never been. You deserve to go back to work and pursue your career goals. You deserve to develop new hobbies and spend time with friends. But you won’t be able to do any of that if you don’t start taking care of your health today. You could end up needing care yourself once your loved one is gone. Your loved one could even end up out-living you if you don’t start making your health a priority. After everything you have been through, you deserve to enjoy the rest of your life.”
“So, if you have been putting it off, let this serve as your friendly reminder. Call your doctor. Schedule that appointment. Put down the bag of chips. Go outside for a walk. Take five-minute breaks throughout the day to clear your head. Ask for help. Make your health a priority while you still have the chance. You deserve the same love, care, and attention that you give your loved one. You are worth it.”
I found it helpful to browse concepts of grief from different ones who have shared in books online, in lectures, videos, (Search Google for what you are curious about…there are oodles of options to help you. I tend to follow my gut instincts to select what I read or watch or listen to.) Thus, through the grief process, my own philosophy has evolved. I am one who wants to see the whole picture and then weed out what I can at first, and massage my remaining thoughts to get to an acceptable understanding and resolution. That way I don’t have to carry unwanted negatives forward into my life.
Even though I tried to be aware of the full picture of grief, the negative through the positive, I chose to process my grief from a positive perspective. An aspect of processing that worked for me (actually still works for me because grief is always with me), is the concept that while grief is hard, grief is a friend, helping me discover myself in my new normal.
The Three Cs (concept from HopeDuringLoss.com)
“We are navigating a road that doesn’t have GPS guidance. We must find our way and do what’s best for us. We just don’t have to do it alone.” (HopeDuringLoss.com)
I stumbled across the three Cs – Choose, Connect, Communicate – and found them helpful in validating my perspective. This way I was able to transcend the negative aspects and, instead, see the positive in those ‘levels’ some include in grief. I did not want memories of My Love intermingled with negatives just because I made one choice and could have as easily made the other.
CHOOSE: You have the choice…you choose…what you can do or wish to do, as you feel your way through. There is no right nor wrong. What was right at any particular moment for one may not be right for you. There is no firm outline that grief follows. While you may experience the traditional denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, they may not show up in that order, but instead when that which you are processing seems to generate a response, it may fit into one of the categories. However, acceptance definitely was the desired outcome for me, regardless of the path I took to get there.
I felt no stigma attached to any level of grief. No matter what I was thinking, during that process, I now realize that I chose what I wanted the outcome to be, evaluated it, and accepted that the resulting choice was best for my life. “You still have the final say and can choose what is best for you as you navigate this journey.“
CONNECT: Innately, I like being with people. I need the connection to the outside world and found that isolation was a dangerous place for me to be. I feared it might become permanent, especially after my recent ten years of (isolated) caregiving. And so I chose to slowly renew my contacts so that I would be able to avoid a life of isolation. I found a smile and a ‘hello’ would lift my spirits; I recognized I needed encouragement. So, I made sure I found a way to be in such positions as often as I could. I joined grief support group. It provided connections, and the understanding people, I needed. “Just having another person present, without saying a word, can help immeasurably. We are not meant to do this life alone.”
COMMUNICATE: Again, one of the most important things I chose to do for me was to join a grief group. I first had a counselor, then was in a chat group for those who’d lost loved ones, and then a group specifically for those who lost spouses. Each one was helpful. We were able to share honestly, openly, without fear of judgement. That was what I needed. Being able to cry and be accepted was important. Those who have not experienced loss wanted to help, but didn’t always know how. Understandable. The grief support groups let me know how others felt, that emotions were all over the place for all of us, and we were normal, just grieving for a lost loved one.
My final suggestion is that regardless of the type of grief you are experiencing, be sure to have someone who you can call when things turn dark, when the feeling of desperations is present more than normal, and when you sense even the slightest chance you might be in a depressed state. It is better that you talk with someone and avoid it rather than letting it slip.
There are many people out there who want to help you. Reach out to the them. Let them know you need some help. They won’t know if you don’t tell them.
I hope some of this has been helpful. I wish you well on your caregiving journey.
Grief and Reflections (c) 2023 Judith Allen Shone
Encourage a caregiver who feels desperate and unsupported.
Give them a hug with books that are a gift of understanding. Books are in large print for easier reading. Please share so caregivers looking for comfort will not feel alone.
Accepting the Gift of Caregiving 