Flickering Magic

Flickering Magic

Thank you for joining me. . .
. . .you are my sunshine!!

Have you as a caregiver encountered any communication issues recently? If you realize it could happen along your path, maybe you can reduce your stress and worry by knowing others struggle with this as well!

Eleven months ago, when I wrote about it here on this site, I asked, Where Do The Missing Words Go?

Back then, My Love was beginning to have serious problems finding words to explain his thoughts.

I wondered how terrible it must feel to be unable to ‘call up words on demand’ to speak your thoughts. At that time, if no other way worked, he used charades, a concept replacing the word with an idea, communicated via an ‘acting’ mode.

Memory loss is not just forgetting where you put the keys, not just taking longer to think of a friend’s name, not just bringing home eggs when you meant to buy bread. I have witnessed My Love’s Alzheimer’s brain, the boss of the bodily functions, destroy his abilities on all levels, bit by bit, nipping at a life that once emanated from the person, the life that once dazzled the world with vitality. His lost words are just like his weakening ability to walk, and his body’s confusion about when he is supposed to sleep.

I know how frustrating it is when I cannot magically find ‘that one word’ to describe what I am trying to convey. But to lose connection to all our words must be more than discouraging, unless of course, you have memory loss, plus anosognosia, and don’t know it is happening.

In the months since I told about My Love’s word finding difficulties, his Alzheimer’s has progressed. His memories and recognition of his daily surroundings, have all but disappeared right along with his words. He can no longer use charades because the concept does not seem to be able to transmit to the ‘acting’ part of his brain.

On the other hand, now I must try acting out what I am asking of him. For instance, to take his pills, I put one pill in my hand and raise it to my mouth…wait for him to follow. Then I put the glass of juice in my hand and lift it, to show to drink it with the pill…wait for him to follow. Sometimes he does not understand this and I must take the glass, put it in his hand and lift both hand and glass to his mouth to get him to grasp what I try to say with words. And sometimes, it is more complicated than ‘acting out’ with pills!

Caregiving just takes a great deal of patience, counting to ten, being able to be flexible, going with the flow, one moment at a time. I aim at being kind, knowing I do the best I can with what I know at the time. 🥰

It is incredible to note how common it has become when one sentence cannot be completed. Like a child, the sounds come, one or two at a time. But My Love’s 81-year-old sounds are not necessarily recognizable as words anymore. The attempts are there. He realizes, momentarily, when he cannot find the right word. And then he tries again…not remembering that he tried to find that word just moments earlier. I am aware of his brief frustration from word loss; but, that, too, disappears quickly.  

Sadly, the magic of my soul needs recharging. Yes, I become impatient listening, but I do try to help by suggesting words— it is hard to find words he understands! He does not even understand when I try to act out the words. The connections are definitely disrupted.

It is my job, me, My Love’s partner and caregiver of over eight years, to step in, with a smile and laughter, to bring life back into his face, vitality into his life. I guess at the words he cannot find, as if I could magically discover his thoughts and say them out loud…but my magic wand does not always work!

 It has become difficult for him to give me a clue. His ability to get the thought from his mind to his mouth seems to have been cut short by the brain areas that control those complex functions. The available means to tell me have diminished and, as a result, so do our conversations.

My Love may be losing many of his words, but he does still have feelings. He still can laugh, he still looks at me with a heart-felt, kind smile, a sense of thankfulness that I am there, an uncertain awareness of what is going on around him. Yes, even if he cannot explain them, he still has feelings.

At times, I chuckle when I respond to him with what I guess he might be saying—he still has his scripts, so deeply embedded, that his response will invariably be, ‘right,’ or ‘I know’  or a nod of the head, even when the answer I give could not possibly be correct!

Every so often, I wonder if I can keep my caregiving magic alive during the later stages of Alzheimer’s. I have been told it will become harder to communicate as we walk the later steps of this journey together…I, too, am learning! But like I have done since day one, I will remain My Love’s ally and partner, his caregiver, regardless of what I am asked to do.

I can’t stop… even if I am getting tired…it is time to get the wizardry back into my life and get the magic, beginning to flicker in that wand, recharged!

🌞I hope this little update of a caregiver’s life in the world of Alzheimer’s magically melts away some stress for you today!!🌞

Before you leave, check out the rest of this site especially Caregiver Tips!!
Sign up to get notices…and we’ll watch for you next time….! 🌞💝🌷 ~ jas

Flickering Magic! (c) 2020 Judith Allen Shone

Goin’ to the HOP!

Goin’ to the HOP!

At my age I can say it . . . I remember going to the hop, the teen canteen . . . and dancing to songs like Bobby Darin’s Queen of the Hop and Danny and The Juniors’ At the Hop!

I recall seventy years ago ‘hop‘ meant jumping up and down on one foot, and then, a few years later, we did that jumping up and down at a party and renamed it dancing, as we had learned in class— where the boys stood on one side of the room and the girls clustered on the other side. We were no longer swinging and swaying, we were bopping at the hop! That dancing would soon be renamed – again – to rockin’ and rollin’ and then, when the Bunny Hop was popular, we learned to ‘line dance!’ Even more recently, Hip Hop evolved for the physically fit!

Today when I turn on the ‘oldies,’ my loved one’s eyes light up, his arms start reaching out, his shoulders rise and fall, his body comes alive. . . right there in the chair where he spends most of his recent hours, his head is bobbing back and forth with the beat of the music.

He does not remember the song titles. Currently in stage 7 of Alzheimer’s, he can no longer retrieve the memory of the specific dances, the names of partners he danced with, nor the dance hall where they went, but his muscle memory has not forgotten! I love to watch it . . . the foot bouncing, the arms and hands twisting, and the big bright-eyed, feel-good smile on his face! I clasp his hands, and he continues to sway but he does not get up to dance. He just seems to be happy with the feeling. What better morning activity than to listen to music that makes someone feel that good?

He was a good dancer in his day, and even as recent as five years ago he still had his ‘jitterbug moves’ . . . I am reminded how quickly our abilities can vanish!!’ (Read “Fancy Pants Dancer,” chapter twenty-four, in Is There Any Ice Cream?)

The other day I found the word hop presented with a new meaning, which fits my later years in life! H.O.P. can mean Helping. One. Person.

This new, expanded definition acknowledges that at this stage of my hopping years, one person is all I can help! I know I cannot be a caregiver for more than one loved one, at least not at the same time. When our dog was terminally ill, I learned that!

This new idea of H.O.P. makes me feel very happy that I can still hop! Sometimes I have to hop faster than I ever hopped before! I have to ‘hop to it,’ or I better ‘get crackin’, or ‘shake a leg’ . . . oh, right, those are not hops . . . but anyway, sometimes I do have to move quickly to help what needs helping!

This idea of H.O.P. validates my role in the caring world, confirms my value as a caregiver, where I am giving the best help I can, 24/7, to my one person…in a style related to my age, of course.

For a brief second, I even thought of my niece and her husband who raise hops, and wondered if the calming effect of beer with this stability agent could help those on their journey. But, I felt I would be reaching too far to suggest we all meet at the pub on Friday nights!

Then, just to see if I have missed other, more recent, definitions of hop I checked the dictionary. And there I spotted another hop meaning new to me: “passage, trip, journey.” But it makes perfect sense, I just do not recall learning it. As a result I believe this circuitous search has brought me to the conclusion that some caregivers are HOP SURVIVORS! I know I am!

Join me! I am sure anyone who has any amount of caregiving tenure providing care for one who is too fragile to carry on alone, a position of grave responsibility, has earned a HOP Survivor card.

HOP SURVIVORS deserve to feel good about themselves! We have endured the same type transitions as the word hop itself—from our first days stepping onto our path, and then adapting to our loved one’s changes, hopping to respond to their needs, until the days we accept the gift of having their life in our hands. Through our years of caring we have been called kind, desperate, compassionate, frustrated, empathetic, angry, patient, loving. Now we can add one more characterization that shows concern HOP SURVIVOR.

GET YOUR OWN HOP SURVIVOR card, below. Then, every time you look at your HOP SURVIVOR card, SMILE 😊, feel that warm, fuzzy feeling, 🥰 knowing you did an amazing job, and remember, you are a HOP Survivor! A ‘Helping-One-Person Survivor.’ You deserve to feel special!

DOWNLOAD here . It is a 3-1/2″ jpg image. Print it out on 4″x6″ photo paper, and then confidently write your name on it! 🤗 ~jas

I know, maybe I went the long way around, but some days I feel like being whimsical…it is my mental detour. . . this time I talked about my visions. (See Night Visitors, My Love’s visions story) Question: are hallucinations contagious?

By the way, I even found a HOP SURVIVOR cup in a store!

. . . Until next time, stay safe and take care of you!

~ jas

Goin’ to the Hop (c) 2020 Judith Allen Shone

dancers art: Clker-Free-Vector-Images
frog in grass: © dannyphoto80 Megapixl.com
frog w/ crown: © Vilax | Megapixl.com
frog hopping: © Drawinglounge | Megapixl.com
frog card art: © Dobrynina | Megapixl.com
Watercolour flowers: lucianapappdesign

New book was released August, 2020.

Did You Hide the Cookies?
Inescapable Heartaches of Caregiving for My Love with Alzheimer’s, Anxiety, and COPD, Accepting the Gift of Caregiving, Part Two

this series begins with the stories in the book published in 2019:

Is There Any Ice Cream?
Surviving the Challenges of Caregiving for a Loved One with Alzheimer’s, Anxiety and COPD, Accepting the Gift of Caregiving, Part One.

LARGE type – easy reading.
BOTH BOOKS can be ordered from all booksellers online including Amazon, for eBook, Paperback or Hardcover.

What if? Emergency

What if? Emergency

That’s the blaring sounds of the fire alarm in our building that you hear!

Life 12 stories up!

It was 8 o’clock in the morning. I had just poured my coffee, thinking it was time to begin wake up calls for My Love. But as I placed my coffee down on my desk, loud, high-pitched sounds began to pierce the air. Our building fire alarm was blasting through our speakers.

First, I went to waken My Love. He had not been disturbed by the sounds. In fact, he was still asleep. I nudged him and when I asked if he heard the fire alarm, he grumbled, “what?”

My Love normally had excellent hearing, but right then when I asked him if he heard the alarm sounding as he slept, he mumbled, “no.”

That is not good news…he can’t hear those harsh, loud sounds, plus they mean nothing to him!

First responders come in response to alarms!

The rule of thumb for fire alarms has been ‘everybody out.’ Except in our case, we live on the twelfth floor, we are nearly 80 years old and physically could not walk down the twelve floors very fast together. And if we encountered fire and had to go back up and then down the other side, we could become a distraction the fire department would not need. We have been told we are on the building’s ‘high risk’ list, and have been advised to stay in our apartment with a wet towel on the floor by our doorjamb. We were assured that if we needed to leave, the firemen would come get us. That’s exactly what we do.

In case we had to be ready to leave the apartment, I slipped on a dress and put on my sandals.

I told My Love, “You have to get up right now, and get dressed . . . right now.”

I repeated it a couple times, but he did not understand my urgency. His eyes opened, and in his normal snail-paced movements he sat up, looked at me and asked, “what?”

“There…those sounds That is the fire alarm!” I reminded him. He just looked at me. Silence. I could tell this time he had no memory of what those incessant sounds meant.

I explained, “There’s a fire in the building and we must be ready to leave if we are asked to go.” Grabbing a shirt and pants for him to put on, I continued, “You have to be dressed if the firemen come to take us downstairs.”

Since “fire” means nothing to him — the alarms now must be my ‘wake-up call!

My words did not increase his pace one bit. He did not relate to my coaxing. He slowly removed his pajama top and began to put on his day clothes.

There was no way I could speed up the process. If I became anxious, My Love would become anxious and dressing would be halted. I waited. One leg in the pants. The other leg. One sock on. The other sock. I tried to tuck in his shirt while he leaned over to put on his shoes. He pushed me away.

On the way down the hall to the living room, he took a detour to the bathroom.

Good. He will get that over with.

Instead, he picked up his comb and began to smooth out the ‘messy look’ from his sleep. I forcefully reminded him to use the toilet, with a small demonstration to be sure he understood.

The alarm had not stopped. The ongoing reminder to hurry did not mean emergency to My Love.

Quickly, I gathered my phone, my purse, My Love’s puffer, a water bottle and our “emergencies” bag and placed them all beside the front door. In the moments of excitement, I wanted that ‘stuff’ accessible if we had to leave in a hurry. That was a reminder that I should update that bag when the crisis ended. (Download my Grab ‘n’ Go Bag below.)

Here had been one more experience for which I was not ready. I knew my personal role in the fire alarm script. I was not ready with an evolving plan for My Love. I am not even sure I could make one now, except that I am acutely aware that he can no longer think for himself in emergencies . . . at all.

No one in the garden

Once in the living room he began turning in circles, holding his hands over his ears. Those earsplitting sounds were still resounding through the speakers. He was definitely feeling the vibrations. I opened the patio door to see if I could smell smoke. I stepped out and looked over the balcony. No one was there. Usually for fire alarms, there are people from the lower floors in the back garden area. I saw no one. Although I had smelled smoke, I saw none.

I quickly walked through our living room and kitchen. There was a faint smell, coming through the air duct. I could only suspect it was a kitchen fire that had set off the alarms. With that in mind, I went back to check on My Love.

“Why don’t you sit on the balcony until we know if we are staying or going,” I mentioned, as I directed his focus to the balcony chair.

“Where are you going?” he looked at me. “I am going with you.”

I gently pushed him to come inside to sit on the couch. “I will go see if anyone is in the hall,” I reassured him, so he would not follow. “Then we’ll know what we will be doing.” I walked to the door.

First-responder at the door!

As I looked through the peep hole I saw three firemen dressed in full PPE, in the hall walking toward our door. (Personal protective equipment – a term I learned because of COVID-19.)

I am glad they moved fast —there were so many questions I could ignore in my mind. I opened the door to see what they’d say.

“Just investigating, ma’am. Is everything OK in here?” he asked stepping into our entry hall. “Let me look in your kitchen,” he said, passing in front of me toward the kitchen door. “Everything OK here?” he asked again. I shook my head and said, “yes.”

After checking our smoke detector, he left our apartment and knocked on our neighbour’s door.

I got My Love a coffee, and we sat in the living room until the alarms stopped and the fire department announced that everything was under control. “Have a good day.”

And that was that. We may never know if it was a nuisance alarm or a manual fire alarm pulled in a hallway as a prank. We will not hear if it was a kitchen fire or someone smoking in bed. We will not know if it was a short in some system. We just know the fire department responded and they felt good enough to leave.

But lessons for me were how unprepared I was for My Love’s lack of understanding of the word “fire,” and how surprised I was that the alarms meant nothing . . . even once he heard them. Next time, I would probably do nothing different than this time, but at least I had been given a glimpse into the experience that might happen again.

This had been the kind of glimpse I like to give caregivers in my books! Yes, writing my books was the right thing to do!

Grab ‘n’ Go Bag

One other red flag that came from this ‘alarm’ was that I had to update our emergency bag more often, to check that meds were current, that keys were there, that the emergency items on the bag list were there. I would not put the bag back on it’s hook until I did that.

Fortunately, our early morning emergency turned out to be “nothing serious.” But it was indeed a second chance, a sign, providing me the incentive to make a plan for ‘what if and when’ we have another emergency.

NOTE: Incredibly, there was a second fire alarm that same day and a third they called a ‘false alarm’ the following night…being investigated!

Both additional alarms were early evening and My Love and his memory were tired. He still did not understand ‘fire,’ no seriousness, no urgency. I still could not explain to him why the sounds were coming through the speakers, nor why I couldn’t turn off the noise. The alarm lasted a good twenty minutes. But all the alarms revealed more memory decline causing me to be concerned that My Love might become agitated and even aggressive because of lack of understanding. I know he must feel safe at all costs.

No fire source was found then, either, but the urgency to fill my Grab ‘n’ Go bag has become high priority!

That morning made me realize I needed to update my thinking about emergencies while living with my partner in late stage Alzheimer’s.

Your emergency might not be a fire alarm, but being prepared for the unexpected is the plan. This is what I discovered related to the Grab ‘n’ Go bag. Add or remove items as appropriate.

Remember your walking cane, rolling walker, or wheel chair, if necessary.

Make it your list
  1. Make an emergency Grab ‘n’ Go Bag (large backpack might do, with or without wheels) for you and your loved one(s). Gather items and determine best size needed. Can you lift or carry it?
    1. Slippers, extra set of clothes
    2. Extra underwear or depends
    3. Plastic bag to put wet clothes in
    4. Tissues, wet wipes
    5. Spare eyeglasses, sunglasses
    6. Medical documents, medication list, medications
    7. Health card(s), doctor list and phone numbers
    8. Small notebook and pencil
    9. Phone (if not elsewhere) and phone charger/cord
    10. Identification documents, including passports
      Personal lanyard ID to be worn if away from home
    11. Power of Attorney (POA), copy of will
    12. Current photograph
    13. iPad, book and/or magazine for entertainment for one with Alzheimer’s
    14. Medic Alert information (be sure bracelet or ID is worn)
    15. Emergency phone list in case you need to make calls
    16. Bottled water for each person
    17. Snack items
    18. Extra money or credit card
    19. Face masks and disposable gloves
    20. Hand Sanitizer
  2. Evacuation plan
    1. Follow plans, rules, orders to make efficient evacuation
    2. Know the meet-up place assigned (tree across the street, etc.)
    3. Plan transportation to call, plan a safe destination
    4. Prepare to share diagnosis with staff where you go, hotel, airline etc.
    5. Stay together, do not leave loved one alone
    6. Remain calm so as not to create anxiety for anyone
    7. Prepare what you would do if wandering, agitation or aggression were to begin.

For your local area, check online to see if there are specific instructions for emergencies related to those with memory loss . Put the information in your bag.

DOWNLOAD Grab ‘n’ Go Bag List here. Use as example to make your own list.


..Pictures are representations but not actual locations or people from the story.

What if’ Emergency Copyright © 2020 Judith Allen Shone

BE PREPARED for the role of caregivermy stories from my life as a spouse-caregiver are written in real time just like this story. Read the stories I share to become prepared for life in the world of Alzheimer’s!

For more book information, visit caregiver-books.com

Order from local independent book stores, in paperback, hardcover and eBook. Thank you. 🍦🍪 LARGE print in paperback and hardcover.
A Different Drummer Books Burlington, Ontario,
The Bookworm in Omaha, Nebraska,
Maria’s Bookshop in Durango, Colorado

or order online from most booksellers, including Amazon.ca