February 14, 2020 💘 © by Judith Allen Shone
Valentine’s Day is not the only day to talk of love and the phenomenon of lost love and loving behaviours.
It seems appropriate that I share new-found words about LOVE on this day.
Through the years of caring for one with Alzheimer’s and vascular dementia, the phenomenon of AMBIGUOUS LOSS showed up many times. Piece by piece those things that meant something vanished, not on any schedule, not related to any stage of disease. Those cherished behaviours are gone…almost as if they never happened, seemly evaporated. All I have is memories.
I did not realize that while I was still caring for My Love, I was also experiencing so much grief, until someone found this quote and shared it online. It explains exactly how I have been feeling the entire journey through Alzheimer’s World ,both as his partner and as his caregiver.
I cannot say it better.
I have felt the little pulls at my heart strings when the date nights, the sweet cards, the kind comments, the invitations to dinner, the intimate conversations stopped. The biggest void has been knowing my name is no longer a memory for him. He sees the person now standing before him, but he does not associate me with our history together. And, although I do still hold his hand and put my head on his shoulder, that original person has vanished from My Love’s mind. I am now the familiar person who is with him, who makes him feel safe. I can tell because he expresses with his beautiful smile of recognition for me when I enter a room and he sees me. I feel so blessed.
I have transitioned into his caregiver…yes, ours has become a different relationship, and maybe a far deeper one. I feel so happy when I realize love is still shared between us even if he does not know my name.
The collection of my sorrows, my sad days, and the empty spaces I feel each evening in my heart after saying “good night”, have become what Jamie Anderson calls, “…love with no place to go.” Sometimes, it is so hard to grasp my breath knowing he is slipping away from me. Yes, that love seems stuck inside me with no place to go.
The Alzheimer Society Canada explains “Grieving occurs in different ways at all stages in the dementia” caregiving journey as big and small losses continue over a long period instead of at one time “…closure is not possible and your grief cannot be fully resolved while the person with dementia is alive.”
Is it any wonder, then, that when we feel this way, that we seek out others…friends, loves, places, pets, passions, to refill out spirit through our interactions? Is it any wonder we yearn to replenish every cell in our bodies with love that we once felt, now ravaged by sorrow, so we can again share and give it away?
We all need love, to receive it and to give it away. The interchange of love impacts each breath, each action, each thought. When love is gone, we miss the feeling of being surrounded by that peaceful contentment and trust.
When I discovered how much love was missing from my life, I realized every inch of my body and soul has been created to have a life relationship based in love. 💗 I have felt the difference in a life with and a life without love.
Are you looking for a BEREAVEMENT GROUP in Halton Region?
Did you know that Acclaim Health in Halton Region, Oakville Ontario offer bereavement programs? From personal counseling, to various specific grief groups and even a walking group?
If you have not found a group that is helping you heal, that listens without judgement, that understands grief works its magic on us in its own time, in its own way, then CONSIDER CONTACTING THEM to discuss their programs.
Right now, my caregiving relationship with My Love still goes on. The grief I speak of here is of an ongoing nature. I cannot relate how I will feel going forward.
Carrying the idea further, I felt that grief, defined as “love with no place to go,” meant, that if I wanted to again feel love, I would have to find places where I could share it. Memories of missing tenderness could remain while I would be able to replenish my soul, restoring love by continuing to care for others, to find ways to help others get through a moment of their own grief, to relieve sadness and make them smile.
That is my hope, so I think that is how it might go. Grief might not have to be painful forever if I consciously continue to seek out ways to give and share love. I am convinced that kindness, to myself, to others and from others to me, is the best way forward. That kindness can release what is seemingly caught, or pent up, as Jamie Anderson relates, “in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat and in that hollow part of your chest,” and we can then give love some place to flow.
I gain hope as I learn from other caregivers. They will tell their stories of their lost loves. There will be caregivers who gave their all and were drained empty of love and found love to fill their life again. While stories help ease the pain, none will be the same, yet all will be heartfelt.
Is it possible that my stories in my book series Accepting the Gift of Caregving, Part One and Part Two, written to help caregivers, are stories trying to find ways to give love a new place to go?
*** BE SURE TO ALSO READ:
Ambiguous Loss and Anticipatory Grief
Grief and Reflections, and Beyond Caregiving
articles on grief posted here as well. ***
Each day do something to make others smile and your heart sing! 💖
Let Love be a habit…give Love somewhere to go.
Love, love, love… every day, every one, everyone!
Love to you all, Judy Shone, host of Accepting the Gift of Caregiving
Alzheimer Society
Brant, Haldimand Norfold, Hamilton Halton,
Burlington office, 4391 Harvester Road,
Burlington, ON Canada
(289) 837 2310
“Love with No Place to Go” © 2020 -2023 Judith Allen Shone
Jamie Anderson quote photograph from Facebook, with reference 12.WP.com
“IS THERE ANY ICE CREAM?”
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Accepting the Gift of Caregiving 