When caregivers recognize they need help, they sometimes find it takes time to research, and asking seems an uncomfortable admission of need. When it seems no one understands or hears their urgency, frustration that breeds resentment sets in. When a caregiver begins to feel disappointment as they see the dream of a life that never happened fading, or their future seems grim and unclear because of this unanticipated circumstance, resentment can show up unexpectedly. 

Resentment is defined as indignation at having been mistreated or treated unfairly, offended or insulted.

Many caregivers for those with memory loss begin their journey with a heart full of optimism, love, and a good dose of desire, to take care of a family member or good friend – all hopeful intentions. But over time, reality reveals that initial aspirations are not so easily attained nor sustainable.

Discoveries about the nature of the particular dementia disease become a daily education and often classes from various professional groups substitute for personal activities. Frequently, new behaviours require understanding and research to develop new management strategies as the disease progresses. 

Eventually, the wish to make life better for a loved one dissolves into a mixture of dread and desperation as caregivers wade through the fog of unfamiliar confusion. The psychological state of the loved one begins to need attention while caregiver self-awareness calls for new caregiving know-how. 

In time, caregivers recognize new financial responsibilities they never dealt with before, and realize they are making unexpected sacrifices in their personal lives and activities, all of which demand time to learn new life-and-management skills. Relationships that once felt comfortable begin to shift and change and the resulting uncertainties can tend to eat away at original foundations.

The caregiver’s life tends to change far more than initially envisioned. Any impact from the new role and tasks required generally are not evident right away. However, when that initial confidence shrinks, fear can slowly begin to fill the void.

THE THING ABOUT CAREGIVING

The caregiver is usually so wrapped up in the tasks of their new role that they rarely see the personal transformations happening. When caregivers are climbing the steep learning curve, swamped by all that is required of them to observe and learn, they quickly become desperate and feel the need for support, for someone to talk to, for reassurance that they are doing OK, and especially not to feel alone while caring for their loved one. This period, when fear is creeping into daily thoughts, is when caregivers sense the anxiety of panic. It is a time when they might begin to seriously feel the need for help, as they realize that they cannot carry the entire caregiving responsibility alone. They then recognize the importance of connection to others, the inspirational support that caregivers can share, as well as the value of professional counseling, therapists, and support resources. It is then, when they begin to come face-to-face with their own exhaustion, their overwhelming desperation from the losses endured, and the sacrifices made, that they might feel a sense of resentment bubbling just below the surface. 

While it might not be the norm for every caregiver, you would be normal if you were to go through a period of resentment. And while it might not be the norm for every caregiver, you would definitely be normal to try to find help to eliminate resentment.

You are may find yourself asking what is normal, what is typical. There is no such thing. But for the sake of understanding others in a similar situation, you might want to know if others feel as you do.

It would be normal to feel anger if it has been difficult finding support.  It would be OK to admit you have exceeded your abilities, It would certainly be reasonable to feel frustrated by the losses experienced because the person you care for has changed from the person you originally knew. You could rightfully feel you found it tough to be grateful, or to find positive aspects in a situation where you felt abandoned by a system of health care that is also overwhelmed. You would be normal to feel disappointed, bitter or even angry at the a situation you find yourself living in. You would be normal to feel alone. 

Although resentment does not happen often, nor to every caregiver, it does happen…and it is truly unbelievable how fast it happens.

CONSEQUENCES OF RESENTMENT

No matter what stage of memory loss, no matter which of the dementia diseases your loved one may be battling, caregiver emotions still build up and resentment can be a consequence. 

Caregivers are so busy and most times exhausted, that they might not realize they feel resentment. The cost of not recognizing it can impact your health, can bring on depression and other stress issues. At a time when you need all your energy and attention to stay well to care for your loved one, you want to avoid the chance of stroke, anxiety, ulcers, migraines, or other health issues.

If you address the resentment that comes from mistreatment or grudges, you can avoid additional anger and stress in your life.

We suggest that 
to overcome and eliminate resentment,
first seek professional help,
a trained counselor or therapist.

IDEAS FOR REDUCING RESENTMENT

While it is unlikely that a caregiver will resent each task,
it would be helpful to list the
(1) tasks. (2) reasons where resentment comes up.

Example:

• Are you angry because you are being told to do things for which you previously have asked for help but never received it, so you feel inadequate to do the task? 
• Are you feeling cheated because you have given up all your time to care for your loved one instead of giving any care to yourself? 
• Do you feel the tasks seem to end up with negative results instead of positive? 
• Are you associating emotions of this experience with those from earlier, unpleasant times?

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The Australian. website, Start With Self, offers more: “How to let go of resentment”
Read their page. This is my recap:
1. Become aware of your resentment
2. Analyze the cause of your resentment
3. Begin to heal when acknowledging responsibility for your emotions
4. Find compassion for yourself inside
5. Learn the power of forgiveness

TAKE TIME to self-evaluate, and take action
if you sense any resentment.

MOVE BEYOND RESENTMENT

For the good of your mental health and your ability to continue caregiving, you may want to address the mistreatments that trigger your feelings of resentment.   It may take a day, a week, or one month, or maybe a year to find your way through the process, depending on the depth of hurt and amount of work you are able to exert to move through it – it takes the time it takes. A professional can help with that.

You may need professional help. Find it. There is no shame in needing and asking for help for something we cannot correct on our own. The knowledge professionals bring to their work will help in our growth as a caregiver as well as a person in our own life. We can also learn from this experience for future issues.

You may need to forgive in some way. Forgive. Forgive yourself for not knowing everything. Forgive yourself for not being able to foresee the behaviors that prompted the initial mistreatment. Forgive yourself for not always finding the positive side of an issue. Forgive yourself for having guilt or bad thoughts about the issues. We are all imperfect humans trying the best we can.

You may need to find aspects of your tasks for which you are grateful. Be grateful. Just feeling good about some part of what you do can change your attitude and emotional connection about the entire task. Be grateful that caring for a loved one means spending time together you otherwise would not have spent. Be grateful you could give back love to someone who gave love to you. Be grateful for the help you did get rather than resenting the help you did not get. 

Sometimes seeing a task from a different perspective helps remove resentment about it.  Look for a new perspective. I resented showering my loved one every day, having to prepare his clothes, undress/dress him became tedious to me.  I found that by getting service workers to come in for twenty minutes each morning to shower him, I could help by having his clothes clean and ready. I had reduced demands on me for that task and my perspective changed by having someone else doing the dressing.

Sometimes, raising the vibration of the emotion that you associate with the resentment of the task can be enough to lessen the emotion causing resentment and thus eliminating the resentment. Redefine and reframe the task and thus the emotional connection – for instance going from anger to frustration to annoyance. Feeling the emotional change might take time but be well worth it.

~

My loved one makes me angry because I have do everything to shower him in the morning.

My loved one frustrates me because I have to do everything to shower him in the morning.

My loved one annoys me because I have to do everything to shower him in the morning.

Annoyance does not make me feel resentment and so I can accept that I am annoyed with my loved one because I do everything to shower him in the morning. I even can detach enough to seek out help.

~

Those emotionally charged thoughts that caused your frustration, anger, disappointment, or despair, can be revisited. You can realign your situation from a positive perspective.  Consider yourself normal if you find you not only need help from other caregivers and support systems, but also from the world of professionals.

In time, those redefined and realigned thoughts and perspectives will give you space to find the wisdom and courage, love, hope and desire that you felt when you began your caregiving journey.

With the help of caregivers, of a counsellor, or professional therapist, you will find that overcoming the impact of resentment will be a gift to yourself that will last the rest of your caregiving journey and, hopefully, for the rest of your life.

Love and be well, 🌷 Judy

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Contact the local Alzheimer Society near you or Acclaim Health to get professional counselling or help if you feel you need to address resentment that might be holding you back, or preventing you from moving forward with your caregiver tasks or even your life experiences.

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IN LARGE PRINT for easy reading.

“Is There Any Ice Cream?” and “Did You Hide the Cookies?”
By Judith Allen Shone

Learn from our stories… BOOKS FOR CAREGIVERS and those who support them. Finding you are a caregiver, without warning, without training, without intention, all make the tasks ahead overwhelming and many caregivers become desperate at the thought of it, as they begin to learn all their new responsibilities entail.

Read our story, about out ten year journey while I cared for my loved one, who was diagnosed just after our retirement, putting a new spin on our plans for our later years.

Order from your favourite local or online bookseller or Amazon.

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Overcoming Resentment (c) 2023 Judith Allen Shone