Passion – Accepting the Gift of Caregiving

Since My Love passed, my life has not been the same. He took part of me with him. Thankfully, he left me his love.

Beginning again

“When the world feels like a roller coaster, steady yourself with simple rituals. Do the dishes. Fold the laundry. Water the plants. Simplicity attracts wisdom” ~ Gregg Braden

I know my caregiver commitments are over. But, even though I was privileged to be My Love’s caregiver, if I can be honest with myself, I really was ready for the exhausting daily tasks of feeding, washing, organizing, nursing, and chauffeuring to end. I have nearly recovered from the unbelievable desperation and caregiving frazzle of those ten years. Yet the love I felt while fulfilling those responsibilities still remains. It is from the memories of our relationship, buoyed up by the love we had, the love that did not die with him, that I will begin to build a new life .

The grief I continue to feel may stay with me forever. It just confirms for me that our love never dies.

Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD., one of North America’ s leading death educators and grief counselors, shares these words from Henri Nouwen

“Every time we make the decision to love someone, we open ourselves to great suffering, because those we most love cause us not only great joy but also great pain. The greatest pain comes from leaving…the pain of the leaving can tear us apart.

“Still, if we want to avoid the suffering of leaving, we will never experience the joy of loving. And love is stronger than fear, life stronger than death, hope stronger than despair. We have to trust that the risk of loving is always worth taking.”

But it was the grief that allowed me to process so many thoughts of our time together, that allowed me to reflect on areas of our life, even of my life before ‘us,’ that inspired me to fill that vacuum with a new life. I envisioned that my new life would give value to what we’d just been through, celebrate that I had learned so much, and honour the relationship of love we had throughout out nearly thirty years together…the good times and, yes, some not-so-good times.

In one grief group each week we were to leave by saying the one word representing how we felt at that moment. As we talked among ourselves over the months, I felt a ‘mental graph’ of emotions go from desperate, angry, unconnected, sad, lonely, floating, to annoyed, ‘pissed off’, improving, to encouraged, optimistic, to content. Of course, there are lists on the internet you can check with. But we all experienced a wide range of emotions on our journey…I would add I did not feel them in any order, and not for any particular length of time. Overall, I discovered grief takes it’s own path, and takes the time it takes.

Passion, Purpose and Service ahead

Mike Dooley’s words from his daily emailed
Notes from the Universe resonated with me,
“Passion. Purpose. Service. In that order.”

I appreciate the insights I received from other caregivers while I was walking that path; I know they were priceless. I will continue to be an encourager because it meant so much to me to be inspired by others.

Perhaps my years of caregiving have turned to Passion, now an enthusiasm to further share my experiences with those who are fearful, who feel alone in their new and unfamiliar role. There are still experiences to share and stories to tell.

Going through grief I’ve been trying to heal from a deep wound of loss I did not think I could bear. And then these words from Gloria Steinem showed up, perhaps just to confirm I was on the right track.

“The final stage of healing is using what happens to you
to help other people. That is healing in itself.”

And so, even though My Love has passed, I sense that my Purpose has identified itself as Service to others through the stories I can share about caregiving. It is what I ‘studied’ in the last ten years. Caregiving is what I have my most recent ‘life-degree’ in, and therefore, it makes sense, that while I won’t be writing from a perspective of sitting across from My Love reporting current actions, I can share the rest of the story. And I will in months ahead.

I hope you will check in here once in a while when I, and perhaps new guest authors, share more information for caregivers. There will be static posts on this site as well as periodic blog postings. I put most on static so it is sort of organized. I know no other way!

Thanks to you and those we met along the way, for support and kindness toward My Love and me, and toward other caregivers. Thank you for being examples of how kindness is the way for us all to live. I am glad our paths crossed.

Have you had a chance to read “Imagine You Have Dementia“

Love and be well. It’s a beautiful life!
~ Judy

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Caregiver Heroes– These books are for you! Insights revealed from the moment of diagnosis, through the years while I was always learning. Then through the harder years when he was progressing along the Alzheimer spectrum. I wrote to share so others won’t feel so lonely or alone, and hopefully will look for help and comfort during those desperate years.