Reflecting on grief

October 21, 2023May 2, 2024 by Judith Allen Shone ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Grief, the last phase of caregiving

Almost two years ago my ten-year journey caring for My Love ended. At last, I could take time to process my grief from losing the one I adored.

I took that time as rehabilitation for myself.

I found the kinds of grief I had learned about previously, anticipatory grief and ambiguous loss and grief of dementia, were actually related to the earlier part of caregiving. Now I was going through a caregiving phase I came to call a gift of grief, except this grief was caring for me after my loved one was gone. I had never before thought about it like that – who had time?

I had no expectation of grief. As I was unraveling all that had happened, going through the gamut of emotions from my loss, my mind was flooded with thoughts that came to the surface. Grief transformed into a gift of time to process emotional aspects as they related to the caregiving period, and even farther back. Grief evolved into a gift that gave permission to unearth the when, how and why things happened as they had.

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(This full article, regarding Grief and Reflections will also be found on the drop down main menu under Caregiver Knowledge as a static page for easier finding. Blog pages just get more initial attention, so thus this format allows us to reach as many caregivers as might benefit. Thank you.)

Love and be well, 🌷 Judy

Printed in LARGE TYPE for easy reading.
The season for giving is soon upon us…Be sure to consider the caregivers among those your remember.

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Confidence in caregiving

October 8, 2023May 2, 2024 by Judith Allen Shone ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

“I did it!”

What a great feeling those words bring up…we often feel our own confidence bursting at the seams just at the success of anyone who realizes they have reached a level of self-assurance.

We want to feel that same confident feeling, in our caregiving life, too.

Most of us have a feel-good “I did it” moment we can recall.
Maybe…

… after practicing a piano piece, you finally got it right.
… after rehearsing a conversation before making a phone call, the words actually came out as you planned.
… when you promised yourself you’d pick up the kids at 3:30 after school, you actually were there and on time.
… you were at the bus stop before the bus arrived.
… you were able to get your loved one into the car to go to Seniors Day Program with a smile on his face.

What I noticed as I thought of the examples was that they all didn’t start out as confident moments. Each one had a learning curve, a trial and error experience period, while working toward the intention – ‘success that builds confidence’ takes time.

Finding caregiver “I did it” moments

You may already have found that caregivers for those with memory loss do not always have that great feeling of confidence. So when we do, we treasure it.

The best way to ‘go for it‘ is to aim for a goal where we do the best we can ‘at that moment’ each time we are called upon to do something for our loved one. We know each time we do a similar activity, the response may be different, so each time may be like learning from step 1 all over again. Eventually, caregivers learn to be happy when we get to the end of a day. But we still yearn to have that “I did it” feeling, that confidence that reflects doing something we set out to do, and did it, no matter how small a goal it might seem to anyone else.

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(This full article, regarding Becoming a Confident Caregiver will also be found on the drop down main menu under Caregiver Knowledge as a static page for easier finding. Blog pages just get more initial attention, so thus this format allows us to reach as many caregivers as might benefit. Thank you.)

Love and be well, 🌷 Judy

Printed in LARGE TYPE for easy reading.
The season for giving is soon upon us…Be sure to consider the caregivers among those your remember.

Read comments from readers

Ambiguous Loss – related to caregiving

September 29, 2023May 2, 2024 by Judith Allen Shone ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

My experience with grief was the biggest surprise of my entire caregiving journey, maybe in life itself. As with Alzheimer’s, and just like caregiving, I had had little experience with grief. When My Love was diagnosed, I was not prepared to become his caregiver. Each day, as his memory declined, I had to keep learning to keep up.

I unknowingly grieved for his losses through the years and, at the same time, I grieved for mine. As I watched the man who I adored, and the number of things we used to do together fade away, I recognize now that I mourned.

No matter which stage of Alzheimer’s My Love was going through, I was always surprised when I felt a loss. I did not realize at the time that witnessing the person I knew so well fading before my eyes would be one of the most devastating aspects of my caregiving years.

And now that My Love has passed and my focus is no longer on caregiving, I finally can thoughtfully grieve and reflect. Once I began to process grief, when I addressed those desperate moments and overwhelming situations, when I looked life in the face, both then and now, and adjusted to my new reality, I was able to detect that grief turned into a gift, in the same way, that caregiving had. It was then that I realized that grief was part of the caregiving practice.

When caregivers lose the support and encouragement that once came from their loved ones, and then actions and behaviors that were part of an intimate relationship disappear, it is no wonder caregivers become drained, feel alone and often desperate.

Early on, my therapist directed me to download a copy of the Alzheimer Society brochure Ambiguous Loss and Grief in Dementia from their website. (You can download it, too.)

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(This article regarding Ambiguous Loss & Anticipatory Grief will also be found on the main menu Caregiver Knowledge under Encouragements for Caregiver as a static page for easier location later. Blog pages just get more initial attention, so thus this format allows us to reach as many caregivers as might benefit. Thank you.)