Category: Caregiving

Capturing Memories

Capturing Memories

by Judith Allen Shone ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Do you hear it, too? Some families are already making plans for Thanksgiving. Can you believe it will be here in just a few weeks!

Many times when families get together, the photo albums come out and everyone looks at pictures from the past years. There is laughter, reconnection, memories of good times together when recognizing family from years before. Time goes so fast. While peeling carrots or setting the table, or sharing the meal, take pictures to add to that album.

Take Pictures!! Make Memories!! Record Videos!!

For many families, holidays are a time of excitement, kitchen action and chatter, of family members huddled together, cherishing special moments. Sadly, sometimes, smiles and hugs among family members are not able to happen even once a year. This is a reminder to take family photos. Remember to have a camera, and to use your camera. Maybe set your phone alarm to remind you!

**If you care for someone in your family who is older, sick or especially with memory loss, or even someone you don’t see frequently, it might be a good time to take a family photo, or prepare questions and record a video talking about family history. **

CAREGIVERS:
It seems when family members get together folks want to reminisce about their childhood, or meaningful holidays. New voices chime in and new happy memories are made while reliving ‘old times.’ Please understand, those with dementia don’t always remember what you remember.

BEAR IN MIND:
if someone with dementia is among your guests, understand they may feel tired, may become annoyed if surroundings become too loud or busy, may need to have someone beside them so they don’t feel alone.

In some cases, our loved ones may relate some history that you feel is inaccurate. We know those without dementia often see events differently, so it is no wonder those with dementia might also. Go with the flow.

You may have heard the story of five people going to an event. And after the event, they were asked to write up their report on what had happened. As each one read their account to the group, the descriptions were so different that it was not evident that anyone had witnessed the same event.

And so it might be with those with memory loss. It is the perfect time to let others know that your loved one is telling their story. You are witnessing their reality as they interpret their reflections of time past. Arguing never works. Instead, join in and accept your loved one’s reality.

Who will be in charge of taking photos

Gatherings can also be a time to pay attention, to ask questions. These members of our families hold memories that we may never hear about otherwise. Take photos. Record their answers for the years ahead, for future holiday gatherings or for someone looking into family ancestry. You can be one taking pictures. You can be the one who reminds everyone to stand by the fireplace or the in the garden for the family picture.

Invite guests to help! Ask them to put a reminder for Alexa or Google to announce out loud. Even ask them to set an alarm on their phone to remind everyone.

Maybe, before guests come to dinner, suggest each one to be responsible for one photo of a certain person during the day. Let them know you are making an album of this gathering so they will want to contribute ‘the best’ picture.

“Jill, please take a picture of your sister when she arrives with her new baby. Be sure to capture the smile when she introduces her to everyone. . Harry, see if you can get pictures of Mom cooking the meal…in her normal director stance. Jim, you are responsible for getting a great photo of Grandpa relaxing during the day. He might sit outside with Grandma. Patrick, please take a picture of the family seated at the table. It will be one of the few times we are all together. And, Patrick, if you can, video it when they are laughing and telling stories. Pauline, please take Grandma aside and let her talk to you about her time in grade school, or college, or when she and Grandpa got married. Try to catch the twinkle that surfaces in her eyes as she remembers.”

Many times, I’ve wished I had disconnected from my intense tasks of caregiving enough to be prepared for the time ahead when I would no longer see the twinkle in My Love’s eye, or would no longer be able to hear his voice. I loved his expressive eyes and speaking voice. Now I can’t ‘see or hear’ either in my mind – and I have no recording of his voice. I truly wish I had. But….you know.

Maybe put a note on a side table to remind you, or someone else at that gathering, to take a family photo or a family video when everyone is happy and talking. Or make a tradition that no turkey service until the family photo is taken. And then you know it will happen. Even use that one last chance….suggest taping over the car handle so no one gets in their car to leave before taking a family photo.

Avoid all regrets

Of course, you do not need a holiday to take photos or record videos, however, you can make a point of having people help you in remembering to take pictures.

There are likely many other ways to capture the moments with loved ones for remembering later. I think most important is remembering to do it. Talk about it before hand. Make plans so it happens. There are no do-overs. Action makes it happen, not talking. Find motivation that works.

I have been to visit family when so much chatter and memory-sharing and doing together was happening in a short time…and nobody took one picture. Not even catching folks as they were leaving, as sometimes we have done. I felt horrible. There we were, all together, all with phones or cameras, and no one stopped to take a photograph, or record a video of the occasion. I imagine this has happened in other families, too. Who will be in charge of taking photos?

These are the memories that will be shared in the future, year after year, even when most of us are gone and the next generation brings out the photos. (By then, who knows how the current photography method will be.) Plan to leave the best stories, the best photos, and best videos possible from this event.

Have a happy family gathering. 🥰 ~judy

Capturing Memories © 2023 Judith Allen Shone

Sharing caregiver posts

Sharing caregiver posts

by Judith Allen Shone ♥ 1 Comment

It was indeed a happy surprise to discover two posts from Accepting the Gift of Caregiving blogsite, specifically about needing respite and help, were referenced in a serious way on another caregiving blog, What to Do about Mama?.

I was humbled and honored seeing the recommendation suggesting others read my site. I loved knowing someone else had sensed the value of the two articles I had written exposing our own needs for support in a very friendly, hopefullly relatable, manner. Others could now become familiar with what might happen without warning in their life—we could encourage and reassure them together.

So many caring for others with all sorts of ailments, disabilities, chronic or acute illnesses or disorders, are so caught up in our own lives, that our own energy hardly allows time to expand our worlds to include new friends, new ideas, new stories, new strategies, that COULD HELP US THROUGH OUR CAREGIVER JOURNEY!

The Accepting the Gift of Caregiving site focuses primarily on spouse-caregiving for loved ones with Alzheimer’s—yet, we know many tasks and emotions overlap, regardless of who we are caring for. We realize, too, that there are many aspects to learn about each perspective of care. We suggest everyone take every opportunity to learn when you can about caregiving…listen, watch and read. You never know when or where it will be needed.

As caregivers, in the early stages, when we really are just learning the caregiver role, we don’t realize how valuable these stories could be. Let me assure you, caregiver stories are worth knowing/reading/hearing, — at the very least, know where to locate them when you need them. Keep a list.

When caregivers move into the middle and later stages of Alzheimer’s, we are so overwhelmed by life coming at us, with so much to learn all at one time, exhaustion sets in and few choose to read or research when we need to sleep!

Then when our caregiving is over, some feel relieved to take a break and get a breath before making decisions for the future.

But in the meantime, a lot of valuable, caregiver-written information is out there to help us. if we only have a few minutes, learn where to find it and glance through it for future referencing. Other caregivers are our best teachers. Keep a list.

So, take a few of those silent moments to poke around and read the stories of other caregivers, find books from meaningful perspectives, write down their location. Find blogs where you relate to the authors, where you can even participate. Learn what it means to be part of that special world of caregivers, where each one is doing the best they can.

Guest Authors have appeared periodically on this blog when I was able to give them and their stories time I felt they were due. Because of lack of time, both theirs and mine, I have not had as many as I would have liked. But the suggestion to readers to keep reading caregiver stories is valuable guidance from the heart.

It is important that we caregivers share our stories, our successes and failures, our good times and not so good times. It is equally as important to read caregiver stories…if you are short on time, read from the perspective you live…a spouse-caregiver, a parent caregiver, a sibling caregiver…each situation has its own unique aspects to learn. Offering helpful information has been the purpose of this blogsite from the start. I am grateful to those who have found my blogsite, who follow it, who have shared it, and found the contents useful in caring for their loved one.

When I was searching, I saw this post, (shown below) I wanted to share it. To let readers know that others share stories and that is how we support one another. I hope when you read these stories, you will think of someone who would benefit and you will share the links…not just mine, here, but any you see that could help another caregiver. I hope Accepting the Gift of Caregiving has helped you learn about caregiving for loved ones with memory loss.

My writing perspective is from a spouse-caregiver, and stories in What to Do about Mama? focus on caring for a parent. What we all have in common are the emotions we experience and the need for support from others. As you know, I say throughout my books and site, “Ask for help. No one knows if we do not ask.” Even the author of the blog below noted that important fact.

This is what I saw! Click image to go to read more about caregiving on Barbara’s site.

Thank you Barbara Matthews, author of book and blog, “What to Do about Mama?”.

Sharing Blog Posts (c) 2021 Judith Allen Shone

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Caregiver support to the rescue!

Caregiver support to the rescue!

by Judith Allen Shone ♥ 2 Comments

Caregiving takes a toll…

Following the post, Fatigue…in need of respite, I am happy to report I have received help and may have more soon.

LESSON for those of you ‘learning’ your way through your caregiving journey: ask for help! No one knows you need it if you do not ask.

It can be total chaos, yes, such a ‘downer’ when we are overwhelmed by caregiver tasks…after one year or ten years, it makes no difference. At times I truly wonder if despondency is around the corner. What will happen when I don’t care anymore? I know now that I was ‘that’ close! (I had no energy to write my daily number of words…and that is serious!)

Sometimes I feel like I, alone, am now running my own private long-term care home with private, personal care for My Love. Not only am I giving 24/7 care, without normal sleep, I cannot always find short periods of respite in a day.

I am the nurse sitting beside him as he takes his 20 pills a day, reminding him the pills go in his mouth…after I show him where his mouth is… and helping him recall how to swallow the water, while keeping him from spitting his pills into the glass.

I schedule changing his disposable underwear in the morning, and then check throughout the day. I am currently his daily shower and shave attendant, plus his personal dresser, physcially holding his clothes so he can put them on and helping with his shoes. I must be with him during these tasks.

I am the cook who prepares special meals of soft foods, and cuts them as if for a toddler. I wash and put dishes away. I am the online grocery shopper, coupling a pickup with a run to the pharmacy for his pills. I definitely have been his taxi driver for nearly six years. I am the housekeeper, often cleaning two bathrooms several times a day- because he doesn’t remember which is his, and he ‘misses’ in both of them.

He does not leave my side. If I walk down the hall, he follows me, even to the kitchen, bathroom or shower to be reassured where I am. I seldom have time for the dusting and vacuuming, or doing laundry…but no longer is this a priority. All this from one person, increasing over the last ten years!

My life? I have none. Beyond my two daily naps, there is little time to do the things that others might consider essential.

A couple months ago, not long after getting our #2 Covid vaccinations, after nineteen months of the pandemic, being isolated, locked-down and house bound, I felt I had reached my limit. My limit of being a caregiver doing things way beyond what one person should have to do for another for nearly ten years. I was beyond thinking, but trying to keep up with what basics had to be done: feeding, sleeping. Unfortunately, I have lived and understand that undesirable ‘modern proverb,’ “two living in the shoes of one, 24/7” too long.

When someone cares…

What a difference a phone call makes! What a transformation someone who cares can make in the life of a nearly depressed caregiver!

During the same nineteen months of the pandemic, one of the attendants from My Love’s day program called each and every week—to check on our status. During the call of week 71, the lady must have heard my anxiety, my tired voice, my exhausted choice of words. Within hours of that call, she called me back and asked if she could try to get me help. I assured her the provincial help was coming, albeit slowly. She took over.

The next thing I knew, there was a Community paramedic team in our home, assessing My Love’s health and our needs. Within days, the community paramedic came to our home with the provincial coordinator, so together they could hear our needs and express what should be done and what was possible at the time.

I was the blessed beneficiary of caring, dynamo personalities in action!

Grateful for the help…

Yes! What a difference all those phone calls made in our lives. How humbled I felt knowing someone truly cared, how much better I felt when someone who could help came to our home to listen. Within days, even I could feel the heavy weights lifting from my shoulders as visits by those who would come to assist were being scheduled

We now have someone come shower and dress and shave My Love three times a week. We have had calls to help me with understanding his swallowing difficulties and his nutritional needs for when I have to cut up his meals, and when I may have to blend the foods. And, although I had previously spoken with the pharmacist, I now learned which foods I could put crushed pills with, as well as which pills I could crush and which I could not administer in/with another food.

At the same time, the day programs have opened up to enable a reduced number of ‘club members’ to return for daily care, to spend a couple hours in a safe environment while the caregiver has time to do what must be done away from the home, without including the care of the loved one. I am so grateful for the opportunity to have time for my own obligations during that short period each week.

What a difference it made to have someone who recognized I had reached my personal tipping point and now was beyond limits I originally thought I could master; someone who was able to get the ball rolling, to start getting things to happen for me, a truly overwhlemed caregiver. I owe the people who got involved so much gratitude. I am so grateful, and appreciative for the dedication of the entire lineup whose help was directed my way.

Thank you for caring.

Caregiver support to the rescue (c) 2021 Judith Allen Shone

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